Damn him!

I know that its been a while since i have posted any thing. Mostly cause nothing interesting has happened to me. Nothing really good worth talking about other then my sisters wedding. I think I have already told you guys about that. Nothing bad has happened to me either which is a good thing. But the past week has been really sucky. My mother has been yelling at me alot just for the heck of it. She just fucking yelled to just yell. I don't remember now half of the stuff she did to me. I just kind of for got. Its not really that important.

I heard from my ex again. Well I don't know if he was ever really my boyfriend so I don't know how he would be my ex. But whatever, He apparently joined some website called tagged. And he sent me an invite. Three months since I had last seen him and he all of a sudden appears out of no where. What the fucking hell is wrong with this guy? I mean...I....I...omg I just dont really know what to say. When I saw the email, all i saw was his name. i didnt know that it was an invite to a website. but when I saw the name I was just like...OMG! Am i seeing what i think I am seeing? Is that really who I think it is?

Why the fucking hell is he contacting me after so long? I mean whather its an invite or a personal email he still contacted me. Well I joined the site just in hopes that i could get in contact with him finally and ask him what the fucking hell is his problem. Do i still have feelings for this guy? Well yes but you have to understand the reason why i still do. I mean i have had a lot of crushes before. But most of those crushes were on celeb's. So this feeling that i had for Rocky was completly different from those crushes that i had. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. I wouldnt exactly call it love as i had never actually felt love like this before.

And since we were not together that long I would really call it love. But what ever you want to call it. It wasnt a crush it was more then that. Some thing that I had never felt for a guy before. I have never in my entire life felt this way about a guy. Nor have i ever had a guy like me back in that way. They all just though of me as a friend and nothing more then that. He was the first guy that I ever liked. So yea i still have some feelings for him. But the real question is: Will I ever take him back? No I will not. I always told my self that if he had a good enough excuse. Then maybe just maybe I might think about taking him back so long as he promises never to act like taht ever again.

But since he went away for two months came back and said he was out of town. And had the nerve to be all sweet to me and call me hunny. And act like he didnt do any thign wrong when he damn well knows that he did. It just fucking pissed me off. Oddly enough I didnt know this guy very long. But seeing as he was the first guy that i ever liked i spent so many nights just hurting over him. Crying over him, and I dont even fucking know why. It just hurt the way that he actted towards me. And eventually i became numb to it and was just like what ever there is nothign this guy can do that will make me feel that way agian.

When he went away for three months i wasnt surpised. I knew that it was gonna happen. I didnt know when but I knew that it was going to happen. And i just had this gut feeling that I would see him agian. But then of course he would go away again. Well i havent seen him since that email inviting me to the website. I am still waiting but I am not holding my breath. Cause I know that he may not show up. And I wont see him again for a while. And if he dose show up he is just gonna go away again like he always dose.

There isnt any thing that this guy can do to me that will hurt me. I am already numbed to it. The reason I cant let it go is yes I do still like him. And I just want to know that if he liked me then why did he do what he did and not tell me any thing. Maybe if I get my answer I can finally move on. I don't know but I can tell you that I will not I refused to get sucked back into what ever the fucking game he is trying to play. I have been hurt to many times by him and I will not let it happen again.

I just want to finally move on. Will this help me move on? I dont know that is what I am trying to find out. I just hope that with in time my wounds will finally heal. And I will find a guy that is better for me and that wont treat me the way he did. And i kind of hope that it is some time soon. Any ways I have rambled long enough and my fingers are starting to hurt I guess I will end the entry here.

~Peace out

More bout Selective Mutism

Growing up with Selective Mutism was literally like living hell on earth. It felt to me as if everyone I knew was punishing me for having this. For having some thing I had no control over. As if I chose to have Selective Mutism. This was not some thing I wanted. I didn't have any control over it. I didn't chose to have it.

I got in trouble a lot in school for things i didn't do cause i couldn't explain what really happened. And it wasn't fair. Because I couldn't talk i had to deal with it and get blamed. It seemed as if everyone was taking advantage of the fact i couldn't talk. They knew I wouldn't be able to explain what really happened. I even got in trouble for having SM. I got in trouble for not talking.

I did have A LOT of friends in school despite my SM. I was able to talk to a bunch of kids. In second grade I had like 20-25 kids in my class. I talked to EVERYONE. Which was a new recored for me lol. I talked to all the kids in my second grade class. I did feel sorry for my teacher. She was the sweetest teacher i'd ever had. She never yelled at me for not talking. She was so patient with me. I never really talked to her. But she did get to hear my voice once.

I was talking to my friend. And some times when i talk i can get a bit loud. I get that from my mom. lol And what ever it was i said. I said it too loud and she over heard me. So at least she got to hear me talk once. I don't know how many schools have this system. But at mine you had this chart that hung on a wall. On the chart would be your name and a pocket under your name. Inside would be a green, yellow, orange, red and blue card.

Green = You've been good
Yellow = You've had one warning
Orange = You've had two warnings
Red = You've gotten detention
Blue = You've been sent to the Principle

Well in third grade my teacher was trying to make me talk in front of all the kids. Some of them I talked to, there were quite a few i didn't. And I had to stand up in front of every one while she did this to me. She asked me to talk, i think she was trying to get me to read some thing. I dont remember. Well when i refused. She asked me to go over to the chart. And under my name change it from a green card to a yellow. So i did that, she once again asked me to talk and i still did not talk. Well once again she told me to go change my card to an orange card. So i did, she then again told me to talk.

And once again i STILL did not talk. She again made me change my card to a red. Well she asked for the last time. And either i gave in or she gave up. I don't remember. I think I gave in cause she told me her and the kids i didnt talk to would go out in the hall. :( I felt so sorry for those kids. I didn't want to hurt their feelings or nothing. It was just the fact i couldnt talk to them. It wasnt some thing I could control. It wasn't easy for me. They say that is is very frustrating for the parents and teachers. I can tell you for a 100% fact it is 100 times harder for the child who is going though it.

This is the reason for why i was put into home school. My parents were getting to many complaints from teachers that I was talking. Which was completely stupid. Cause at the start of every year. My parents tell the teachers i have Selective Mutism and i cant talk. When I was twelve years old. I had already been in home school for about 2 and a half years. I decided it was enough. I had enough of this disorder. I didn't want to deal with it any more. I had people pressuring me to talk. Which always seemed to make it worse or just not do any thing at all. Cause if you push me to do some thing. The longer its gonna take for me to do it.

What i never consider was to push/pressure myself into talking. So thats what i did. I told myself I cant do this any more. I don't want to get in trouble for not talking any more. I have to do some thing. I have to control this. I don't know exactly how i overcame it. But some how i did. Actually I still have it. Just not as bad as I used to. I still have a hard time talking to people I don't know.

Children suffering from Selective Mutism may: Stand motionless and expressionless, turn his/her head, chew or twirl hair, avoid eye contact or withdraw into a corner. Become anxious before entering an uncomfortable situation, common symptoms of anxiety before social events include: stomach aches, headaches, and other physical ailments.

Children suffering from Selective Mutism will often display additional signs of severe anxiety: separation anxiety, frequent tantrums and crying, moodiness, inflexibility, sleep problems and extreme shyness. These can show up as early as infancy.

Now I am able to talk, but its still hard. I still get real nerves when I have to talk. But I am trying to overcome it more. I am pushing/pressuring myself, and i am even getting help from my friends. They are pushing me to talk as well. Before if some one pushed me it would just make it worse. Now its kind of helping, just as long as you dont go over board with it.

Another Old entry

Here's another really old entry from my old blog.

Thursday | October 04 2007 | 6:19 P.M

Ok a small introduction I'm Kate. I am 16 years old. I just got my braces a month ago. They are kind of bugging the poop out of me. It kind of hard to eat with them cause I also have an expander in as well. I had a BLTP (Bacon Lattes Tomato with Pickles) I had this a few weeks after i get the expander in.

Well it was more of a BLTP Salad. My mom had to cut it up in small bits. It took me all night to finish it. I would eat a little bit then stop. Then go back later and eat more. Then stop and later I would eat more till it was all gone hehe. It was good I only have the top ones on.

Anyways, My expander is cause I have a crossbit were the back teeth on the top dont meet with the bottom. I wear the expander till November 1 hopefully I can get it out then. I have to wear the braces for three years. I am already ready for them to come out. Surprisingly I haven't had alot of pain with them. I've had to have 25 fillings. I only had 2 teeth that didn't have cavities. I've had 25 fillings. And I had to have a root canal.

And I have come though all of this like it was nothing. Cause it really was nothing. I haven't had any pain, (well except my tooth was hurting that was the reason for the root canal.) But I have been very brave though it all. Only 3 more years and I will have perty teeth. The expander hurts when they have to put it in. When my parents have to turn it. Its not really all that bad, its just a pressure.

I've decided to start rewriting my story. Agent Matthews (old title) I have decided to rename it to "Love and murder the deception of love" Its about Alivia Matthews trying to find who killed her sister Stephanie. Steph was in an abusive relationship with Jordan Alexander. Steph was also cheating on him with Matthew. In the process of finding Steph's killer Liv falls in love with Matthew. I have been working on this story for seven years.

OH YES I said seven years. I have been stuck a paragraph and a half into Chapter three. But I have decided to start all over. Cause the way it was SUCKED *** Sorry but it did.

Anyways, maybe one day you will see "Love and murder the deception of love" on store selves. *FINGERS CROSSED* Please keep your fingers crossed, I am hoping and praying that one day I can get it published. My mom wants me to finish one of my stories so we can get them published. I so hope I do *Starts hoping and Praying*

Ummm thats bout it for now

Old entry

Hey guys this was an old entry on my old blog and I just wanted to post it here for you guys to see.

Sunday | November 11, 2007 | 9:05 P.M

I haven't really been feeling all that good in the past week. I haven't eaten much. Just didn't feel like eating and I couldn't. For some reason I just wasn't all that hungry. I felt nauseated just felt like I was going to throw up if I ate. lol Any ways, today wasn't a very lucky day.

My cousin got into a bad car accident. I forgot ever thing my mother said to me bout her. But she was lucky she didn't die. I do know she wasn't wearing a seatbelt and because of this she was thrown from the car. She got pined under the car and has a broken pelvis bone. And all the skin on her back is gone.

My mother was telling me this and as she was. I was starting to get real dizzy. I hadn't eaten much that morning. Cause i couldn't get any thing down. And I walked into the house i blacked out i was still conscious but i couldn't see. (Low Blood Suger was all it was)

I remember leaning against the refrigerator and heard my mom saying. "Do you want us to take you to the ER." And I said no and that was the last thing I remember. I then blacked out completely. I had memory lost the next thing i remember i was leaning over the sink.

But i am fine now all it was was low blood suger from not eating much. Today was just not a very lucky day. WOW!

Selective Mutism

I had a hard time in school cause I had "Selective Mutism"

(Selective Mutism is a complex childhood anxiety disorder characterized by a child’s inability to speak in select social settings, such as school. These children understand language and are able to talk normally in settings where they are comfortable, secure and relaxed.

Over 90% of children with Selective Mutism also have social phobia or social anxiety, and some experts view Selective Mutism as a symptom of social anxiety. Others view it as a separate, but related, disorder.

It is not yet understood why some individuals develop typical symptoms of social anxiety, like reluctance to speak in front of a group of people or feeling embarrassed easily, while others experience the inability to speak that characterizes Selective Mutism.

What is clear is that children and adolescents with SM have an actual fear of speaking and of social interactions where there is an expectation to talk. They may also be unable to communicate nonverbally, may be unable to make eye contact and may stand motionless with fear as they are confronted with specific social settings.

This can be quite heart wrenching to watch, and is often very debilitating for the child as well as frustrating for parents and teachers.)

It was very Hard, I got in trouble for it alot. I went to the principle for some thing I didnt do cause I couldnt explain myself. It hurt when my teachers yelled at me for it. I was able to talk to family but that was it. I did have a few friends in school.

(More on this subject to come)

Get to know me

Nickname-Kate
Height-5"5
Home Place-U.S.A
Hair Type- wavy (THICK) Damn I hate it

Boyfriend- Single (not looking)

First job: Babysitting

Favorite color: Pink, Black

Languages I speaks: A tiny bit of Espanol

Pets: Three dogs, Sammie: Half Lab, Half German Shepherd. Buddy: Tarrier Mix. Takita Maria: Half terrier mix, Half Chihuahua. Turtle: Bubba: Red Ear Slider,

Favorite food: Pizza, Hot dogs,

Habits: I use to bit my nails. Poping my joints, my knuckles, back, neck, knees, toes, wrist, and my ankles. I know I should probably stop right?

Hobbies: Writing, Playing on the computer, Drawing, Singing (even thou i cant), Dancing, Making tomb raider games with the level editor, Making web sites, blogging, graphic designs,

First CD: Britney Spears ...Baby one more time

Kate Interview

Inside or Ouside?

I would have to say both. I love the out doors I love nature. But in doors is where me computer is. *laughs* I am obsessed with my computer.

Blondes or Brunettes?

Brunettes, I dont know why, its just Brunettes turn me on more then blondes hehe

Tattoos or Piercings?

Tattoos. I cant do pain, so I dont think I would do piercings. And I know tats hurt but im sure piercings hurt worse right? I dont have tattoos but I want a cross on my right fore arm.

Letters or Email?

Email. So much easier the letters I think hehe.

Summer or Winter?

Summer cause of July 4th and June 14th my b-day. But winter cause of Xmas.
HAHA. I'd rather be cold then hot. Cause you can always find ways to get warm. But you can never find ways to stay cool.

Quotes:
"Stop complaining that your boobs are to big or their not big enough. Dont freak out cause you broke your whittle nail. Stop caring that your butt is to big or not big enough. Cause there are so many other people in the world that have nothing. You have every thing you can imagine. You have food, clean water, and more importantly you have money. So many people dont have any of that. They dont have homes, enough food, clean water, and they dont even have money. So start thinking about them, cause you can get surgery to fix your boobs. You can exercise to fix your but. You can go to the nail salon to fix your whittle nail. Cause you can afford it, so many people in 3rd world centuries or homeless people all around the world cant."

"If you want some thing done a certain way. Then get up of ya lazy ass and do it ya self. Cause we all do things differently. So don't stand over some one telling them how to do something. Let them do it their way or do it ya self. YA HEAR ME!!! DO IT YOU SELF IF YOU WANT IT DONE A CERTAIN WAY! :P"

Advice

Ok just some thing I came up with a while back when I was bored. Some real and true facts to help some may not actually be true but its nice to know them just incase

Tip #1
Dont ask your boyfriend if you look fat cause its a lose lose situation for him. He will be yelled at either way.

Example #1:

Jenny: *shes getting ready for a party* Hey Lisa do i look fat in these jeans?

Lisa: A little bit

Jenny: Yeah your right *she gose and changes*

If Lisa said no Jenny wouldnt get mad she would still go and change her outfit

Example #2:

Lisa: Alex do i look fat in these jeans?

Alex: Yeah you do

Jenny: WHAT HOW THE HELL COULD YOU SAY THAT?!?!?

If he said no and she found out later he was lying he would still get yelled at Whats up with that. I kind of pitty Alex no matter what he says he will get yelled at. So girls dont ask your boy friend if you look fat. Plus guys dont want you asking them this. Trust me i have plenty of guy friends.

Tip #2

Why do you yell at guys for leaving the tolit seat up? HUH?!?! What they dont bug us about leaving it down so its basecly the same thing.

So stop bugging them about leaving it up. Cause if you do they will start yelling at us for leaving it down.

But I think both lid and seat should go down but let them do it on their own. Or you do it for them.

Tip # 3

Don't except anything from boys... I am talking about compliments and such...It's much nicer to leave them to it... That way they are doing it on their own and it's lovely when he springs up with a surprise comment...

Tip # 4

if you just dated a guy for the first time, DON'T CALL HIM! he will if he's interested, if he don't...well, he's not interested and you should just forget him

A GIRLS HANDBOOK TO GUYS
What Guys Really Mean When....
Keep this in mind next time he changes his font color

Green - I love you!
Blue - I'm cool
Purple - I'm Sexy
Pink - I'm gay
Red - I'm feeling romantic
Yellow - I'm happy
Orange - I'm a psycho
Aqua - I'm sad
Black - I'm falling in love with you

What He Says...What he means

He Says: "I gotta go, I'll call u later"
He means: "Be lucky if I ever call again!"

He says: "I just wanna be friends"
He means: "Thats the excuse I could think of not 2 go out with you"

He says: "Lets go back to my place"
He means: "Lets get it on!"

He says: "I like those pants!"
He means: "I wonder how fast I can get them off of you!"

He says: "You look a lot better this year!"
He means: "Last year you were a ! dog!"

He says: "Yea, you look cute, I guess"
He means: "You are butt ugly!

He says: "I like your shirt a lot" He means: "I like whats under more!"

Keep this in mind next time when he kisses you

A kiss on the hand-Ur nice, but no.

Lips-Your hot

A kiss on the cheek-I love you

Anywhere else-Um...maybe he loves you a lil too much

More will be coming soon.

Tips for guys in relationships or tips to help in life

Very Real and true tips to help guys out some may not actually be ture but some are very true

Tip #1

Why do you think your girl friends freak out so damn much when they find out you had a striper at your party or that you went to a strip club? Why do you think they gett pissed?

It is because you are looking at another woman nake which falls in the same catorgory as cheating.

And why do you guys wanna cheat on us girls huh? I mean if you dont love us any more please tell us it hurts us more when you cheat. If you dont think it is working out with our relationship then tell us dont cheat on us.

Tip #2

Guys wearing a speedo is very unattractive ok if any thing bolges out then please dont wear it it makes some people uncomfortable and there might be kids around. I'm sure i speak for alot of women when i say it is stupid and gross

Youtube Copyright Infringement

Ok this is just bugging the hell out of me. Some one told me that my account was suspended cause maybe some one from Warner bother saw my disturbed videos and got my account suspended for copyright. 1) They always and I mean always give you 3 warnings. 3 Videos get deleted first. And I haven't gotten any emails saying my vids have been deleted. 2) If WB Filed a claim against me and my vids they would have fucking sent me an email about it. 3) I was trying to change my email add. And while confirming it. Thats when it said my account had been suspended. Now I am going to post a couple of quotes from a conversation on the youtube forums.

Poster One

Not only is this not allowed on YouTube, it's against the law. It's
copyright infringement, and the band (or anyone representing them,
such as the record label) has the legal right to demand that YouTube
remove the video. If YouTube have to take down lots of videos from the same account, they will suspend the account.

There is a warning about this clearly displayed on the upload page,
and it is also mentioned in several places in the Help Center and in
the Community Guidelines and Terms of Use.

Poster Two

Whhoaa, for the first time ever I'm gonna disagree with you on this
one rew. You're being too harsh. I totally agree that this seems
"stupid" and "understandable" at the same time! First of all, this
kind of thing is in the *general realm* of things allowed under Fair
Use (I've read some, not guessing). One could argue 1) promotion of
band, 2) nondefamatory nature, 3) creative use of material.

Secondly, even if the owner is being (IMHO!) kinda anal and won't
allow a fan to spend creative time interpreting their art and
marketing and promoting their work, *and* they're in a position where
a court might agree, I think calling this "not allowed on youtube" is
way too harsh. A HUGE chunk of the vids here are fan tributes,
interpretations, covers, lessons, etc etc, including my whole page and
a fan trailer I just spent a week on, not to mention three full time
month of my life [CRYYYY] covering... cov-- I can't even say it. [If
Holywood records sues me for spending 200 hours fingerstyling a lame
pop song they got somethin' else comin' from me] =P =).

Anyway if that's all "not allowed" around here the staff is in
hibernation! I find 1/3 of the *official* music videos are posted by
fans. You can't say "not allowed", then allow 95% of the offenders,
and criticize the other 5%.

I think the problem here (aside from an anal holder) is that cutting a
song to shots of the band doesn't constitute *enough* of a "creative"
interpretation to be seen as something original. But the issue is
extent. Why the heck should only the obsessive fans (like me) with
infinite time on their hands be allowed to tribute and interpret the
music they love??

Metallica took justifiable action (imho) against the worst Napster
violators suing them for examples, BUT, while I agree with their
feelings, they ended up looking anal and disrespectful to their fans
for being the 0.1% of bands to actually sue their fans for basically
copying tapes for their friends losing the band trillions of dollars.

LASTLY, imho (once again) it is _really_ tactless and professionally
rude (and nonstandard) not to approach the user first unless they are
in total violation and obviously can't be asked nicely to stop.
Companies have too much power. Someone's whole personal site will be
bulldozed for posting a buncha pictures because if your site doesn't
make millions, it's inconsequential.

You're now down to a 4.97 star poster and in my book Rew. I'm gonna
petition for your removal.

Poster One

> Whhoaa, for the first time ever I'm gonna disagree with you on this
> one rew. You're being too harsh. I totally agree that this seems
> "stupid" and "understandable" at the same time! First of all, this
> kind of thing is in the *general realm* of things allowed under Fair
> Use (I've read some, not guessing). One could argue 1) promotion of
> band, 2) nondefamatory nature, 3) creative use of material.

I'm not being harsh; it's the law.

What you need to understand about "Fair use" -- since you've read some
-- is that "fair use" is not a right, it is a defence. And that's the
long and the short of it; if DisturbedGoddess's friend wants to
challenge the takedown, she's free to submit a counter claim; if it
goes to court, that's when she can claim "fair use" -- not before. It
is, in fact, up to the courts to decide on a case-by-case basis
whether the defence has any merit -- not YouTube.

Also, you have to understand that "fair use" only applies in US law.
Neither you or I have any idea under which country's laws the
complaint was made -- and no, US law is not the only law which applies
to YouTube, which is why there are two separate ways of submitting a
copyright notification.

> Secondly, even if the owner is being (IMHO!) kinda anal and won't
> allow a fan to spend creative time interpreting their art and
> marketing and promoting their work, *and* they're in a position where
> a court might agree, I think calling this "not allowed on youtube" is
> way too harsh. A HUGE chunk of the vids here are fan tributes,
> interpretations, covers, lessons, etc etc, including my whole page and
> a fan trailer I just spent a week on, not to mention three full time
> month of my life [CRYYYY] covering... cov-- I can't even say it. [If
> Holywood records sues me for spending 200 hours fingerstyling a lame
> pop song they got somethin' else comin' from me] =P =).

It is not allowed on YouTube; that's a fact. A lot of people do get
away with it for a while, but it's still not allowed. This is stated
very clearly in several places, and it is also a matter of
international law.

> Anyway if that's all "not allowed" around here the staff is in
> hibernation! I find 1/3 of the *official* music videos are posted by
> fans. You can't say "not allowed", then allow 95% of the offenders,
> and criticize the other 5%.

The DMCA doesn't work like that. YouTube acts when the copyright owner
complains; it may be that other people have permission from the
copyright owner, in which case it would be allowed, and YouTube would
be wrong to take it down. But if the copyright owner complains,
YouTube always takes the video down.

> Metallica took justifiable action (imho) against the worst Napster
> violators suing them for examples, BUT, while I agree with their
> feelings, they ended up looking anal and disrespectful to their fans
> for being the 0.1% of bands to actually sue their fans for basically
> copying tapes for their friends losing the band trillions of dollars.

Well, that's Metallica's problem. If Metallica order YouTube to remove
a video for copyright infringement, YouTube must either take the video
down or be sued. It really is that simple.

> LASTLY, imho (once again) it is _really_ tactless and professionally
> rude (and nonstandard) not to approach the user first unless they are
> in total violation and obviously can't be asked nicely to stop.
> Companies have too much power. Someone's whole personal site will be
> bulldozed for posting a buncha pictures because if your site doesn't
> make millions, it's inconsequential.

Maybe it is tactless; but the Digital Millennium Copyright Act doesn't
leave YouTube much wiggle room here. In most cases, YouTube operates a
"three strikes" policy, but may suspend an account quicker than that
if the violations are especially serious. Together with the very clear
warnings posted on the upload page itself (and in other places), I
think that's very reasonable.

> You're now down to a 4.97 star poster and in my book Rew. I'm gonna
> petition for your removal.

Fine by me. However, this forum is -- as it states in the Charter --
not the place to discuss copyright violations and stuff. All I can do
is state what the law and YouTube's various terms and guidelines
state, which is what I did. Beyond that, there's nothing to say.

I will agree with you that current copyright law really does badly
need reworking, and lots of companies really do have to grow up and be
reasonable about this. But right now, the fact is that if you post a
video containing other people's copyrighted content without
permission, you are breaking the law, unless you can persuade a judge
that it was "fair use" (or "fair dealing" in some other jurisdictions,
which is far more restrictive than "fair use").

I had no such warnings on my account. No copy right warnings at all
till the actual date I was suspended. No email was sent to me. All I was doing was just changing my email add and did the confirm email and when I did this it said I was suspended.

If us fans are not allowed to post tributes, covers of songs with our
voice or an instrument. What else is there to upload? I mean we certainly are not going to post home vids. Well some of us aren't. Not all of us can sing so we can't put up our own material. And in a way I think its kind of lame. But I do understand the copyright laws. So I would in a way understand but in another i still think its
stupid if you ask me.

Besides Warner Bother (the company who Disturbed is signed with) didnt file a copy right infringement claim on my videos. If they did youtube would have sent me an email about it. And as I said I got no such email. So it couldnt have been any one from WB or any one who worked for/with the band. And doubt it was the band them selfs. Cause as I said they would have sent me an email. So this hole thing about it being my tributes is bull shit. Thats not what got me suspended. It was the fact that the fucking confirm email service is fucked up. THATS what got me suspended for no fucking reason. More will prob be coming on this subject. Just until I fucking find out what the fucking hell happened here.

Finally!!

I finally got my headphones that I have been bugging my mother for about a week or so now. But they are the kind that just slip over your ears. And well I don't like them I should have stuck with my original type headphones. Cause the ear buds I got are too high pitched. And they hurt my ears cause of it. And these that I am using now the right one is staying on like it is supposed to. But the left ear for some reason isn't wanting to stay on like is should. I don't know why but it makes me think that my whole left side is fucked up.

Cause I have issues with my left shoulder wanting to pop alot on its own. By just moving it a bit it wants to pop. My left hip used to do that all the time. It hasn't done it in like forever. It mostly dose it like once every blue moon. And my left knee has some issues. It seems to tense up a lot and it hurts. And when I am walking or move my knee in a certain way it pops. I am not trying to pop it, it just dose it on its own. Both my knees do it but my left dose it more then the other one. And my left leg cramps up a lot. And the pain is so intence I feel like I am going to cry. Keeping it still just seems to make it hurt worse but so dose moving it around too much.

And the left side of my nose gets stopped up alot too. lol Its like I can't breath out of that side. Its mostly just allergies. But there is nothing that I can do about it cause taking any thing dont help me. It dont even do shit. So I just gotta suffer I guess. I am thinking maybe around Christmas when I go to spend the xmas money I get every year. I think I might buy me some new head phones. And just stick with the original type that I always use. Cause ear buds and the ones that just slid on don't work very well for me. But the ones with the band seem to break easily. Cause the reason my headphones broke. Is cause they fell and I caught them with my legs before they feel. So I didn't have to bend over to pick them up. Cause I was being lazy. lol And they way they landed they some how broke. The band part broke. And I don't know how. Cause they way that they landed they shouldn't have broken. So I don't know how they did. Werid huh?

Any ways I am happy for now. Cause the ear buds were starting to irritated the living shit out of me. They are so fucking high pitched they hurt my poor wittle ears. lol And the left side on these are irritating my ear. Wtf! lol But I guess these will do for now. And I typed my old ones back together. So if I really need to I guess I can alternate between them. I mean the old ones will irritated me. Cause I wont be able to adjust the right side. And the left side will be loose cause of that reason. And the tape might pull my hair. But I guess this will have to do for now. Just from now on I will stick to the original. Thats why I hate to change. And I had an idea that when ever my head phones break just save the covers and the headband part of the headphones. Cause its looks as if I am gonna need to start saving the headband just incase this happens again.

~Peace out~

Promises and Concerns

Just to make this clear for every one. I wanted to get this off my chest. I understand you guys are concerned. And I thank you for it but there is no need to worry about me. There are a lot of things that are good that go on in my life. I don't blog about them because this blog is more for my rants. I know I make it seem like I am depressed.

But just because there is nothing but rants and problems dont mean there is any thing wrong. Don't get me wrong I am glad there are people that are concerned about me. It lets me know I am loved and that I have friends. But as I've said this blog is only a type of therapy.

Blogging, ranting, cursing is therapy for me. It releases that anger and it helps. Listening to Disturbed helps. A lot of people thing it would have an opposite effect. That it would make you violent. But I think that you have to be a violent person by nature. And I am not, I am a sweet, nice, loving girl by nature. I would never hurt any one, or any animal.

The only damage I have ever done is when I would always used to slam my fist into things when I was mad. How do you think I hurt my finger? How do you think I bent my arm backwards? It was me having one of my fits. That is when I came up with the idea to rant about it all in a blog. It helps release the anger in the same way hitting things would release the anger. Only with out any damage to my self or any poor walls or CD players.

I feel better after ranting. And when I rant as I blog, as I sit here I am listening to Disturbed. And this all calms me. And its already starting to work. Metal, Rock, Nu metal, hardcore, ect... It don't effect you in the way that most people would think. With me things that should piss me off. Well don't, any thing that should offend me kind of don't. Music that should make me act a certain way doesn't.

The music only effects you if you let it. And yes when you listen to Disturbed. Lyrically they sound "Dark and Domestic" As some people have told me. But their genre is Nu Metal. And a lot of music of this or any type of Rock sounds this way. Metal music isn't going to sound like those oldies and country your parents and grandparents grew up with.

Its a lot harder and sounds darker. But when you read the lyric meanings. You will realize their not talking bout what you may thing their talking about. They don't sound as "Dark and Domestic" when you know what the songs are really about. And I also think that if you know what their really talking about it wont effect you in the way most people would think. Trust me I have been a fan of Disturbed for 4 years now. And it hasn't changed me in any negative way. The only reason I am having the problems I am having is not due to the music I listen to. But due to the idiots that are around me. Its those idiots that I gotta deal with on a daily bases.

Most of those idiots where that big group of friends I used to hang out with. In which I don't any more so most of my problems are gone. The rest are problems with my mother. And in some cases I know shes only doing whats right for me. But theres a lot of other shit that she dose that wouldn't really fall under the "Whats right for me" Category. Which brings me to the promises part of this blog.

Never make a promise you can not keep. My mother promised me that she would take me to the store to by some headphones. But she turns around and makes that a complete lie and breaks her promise. She has no real reason as to why she wont take me. She just wont take me, and its irritating me. And she couldn't figure out why I was mad. We went shopping for my sisters wedding dress. And my mom thought I was mad cause I didn't get a dress. And she goes "you're not getting married"

NO SHIT MOTHER! I know that, I am not fucking mad that I didn't get a fucking dress. 1st off I hate dresses. I don't give a fucking rats ass if I get one or not. I wouldn't ever ware it unless I had to. 2nd off why would I be mad about not getting a dress? That just confused me a bit. Why would she think that was why I was mad? We were shopping for my sister. We were not shopping for me and I know that. So I don't care if I get one or not. I still don't understand why she thought that would make me mad?

And Now I don't know if she or my dad will take me to the store to get my headphones. I would like to try and get them soon. As the ones I had broke. They still work but the headband part of it broke. And now I cant put it on my head. I have taped it back together temporary. But it won't adjust as the tape is over the adjustable part. And eventually the tape will start to come up and pull my hair. And the pink ear buds I am using right now are too high pitched. And are starting to fall apart.

So I really need my headphones. Cause I can't listen to my music (My Disturbed) with my speakers: 1 cause my mother hates Disturbed and 2 I wont be able to turn it up that loud cause she'll yell at me. And I have to turn it up enough so I can hear it. Its gotta be loud it makes it easier to get my frustrations out.

Anyways gotta go Lunch is ready.

~Peace out

New look and with music

Current mood: Happy

I changed my layout a bit so that it has pink and wont look so emo and depressing. I added some of my favorite music in two different players. You got my Disturbed playlist. Sadly not all of their songs could be added. As that darn site didn't have them. And you get another where I have all my other favorite songs in different genres. Hope you enjoy.

~Peace

Comments

Just so yall guys know, You can comment on the blog entries if you want. You don't have to register or any thing. Jut thought I'd let you guys know. Well Im gonna go back to play OutRun. Cya


~Peace out

Change

Current mood: Happy

One of my friends sent me a message. And told me she read my blog and was concerned. I never meant to give any one the impression I was depressed. Not every thing in my life is this bad. I guess I should post more about the positive stuff. But I just figured that would be boring. But I guess boring is better then having people think some things wrong. So I am still keeping my David Draiman background. But I've changed my banner. With more of a happy one........I hope its a happy one. It has only one of my poems now. And one of my favorite Disturbed songs. Just stop. In case you cant read it you can google the lyrics. I'll post the song meaning for ya.

JUST STOP
About a situation where your other half is always trying to come up with reasons to argue with you and you are constantly apologizing, and constantly asking for forgiveness, over and over again, and the frustration that comes with it. The song is asking "that person" to just stop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I promise I will post more positive stuff on here.

~Peace out

About my blog

I am referring to the poems in the header and the layout. And basically just this blog in general. Just so you know I am telling you this cause a friend told me my poems were emo. They are not really meant to. Emo's are the ones they cut them selfs right? And talk about death and are depressed all the time. And my poems don't talk about any of that.


I am who I am
your approval isn't needed

This poem is about what the title says. I am who I am, I've always been the type to stand out from the crowd. Never do any thing just cause every one else is doing it. Dress in a certain way cause every one else is doing it. Or talk in a certain manor cause every one else is. Let me ask you this its the same old shit your mothers would ask you. If every one jumped off a bride and killed them selfs. Would you? My answer is no. Wait let me re-phrase that. My answer would be HELL FUCKING NO!

Respect

Again, this poem is about what the title says. If you respect me I will respect you. But if you disrespect me then you will get nothing but disrespect back. Now I am normally a nice person. But you fucking look where all that nicey nice shit got me. I became a fucking push over. Which is why most of my friends did what they did. They disrespected me, so I did the same back. I cursed them out I went off on them. But its not important to get into all that right now. I will on a later date.

Rantings of a Disturbed 0ne

This is the name of the site. The poem is basically aimed towards my family and some but not all of my friends. Hell even the ones that think they know me probably don't know me that well. There is only one person that actually kind of knows me. He knows what I'm gonna say before I even say it. So this poem kind of really isn't aimed towards him. Its just basically saying to my family and friends you don't know me. They think they do but they don't.

My family thinks they know me. But they have never really taken the time to sit down and talk to me about what I like and what I want. They only things my parents know about me. Well my mother more then my dad. She knows I love Orlando Bloom. Heck my whole family pretty much knows that. My mom knows I love Disturbed and she hates it. And my parents and sister know I like pink. And I am sure they know I like Tomb Raider. And my mom and sister definitely knows I love Nora Roberts. But thats about it. But thats nothing that big.

They know nothing else about me really. Hell my mother can't even fucking remember what I want to do when I grow up. So, the poem is based in that. They don't know me, they wont ever know any thing and every thing about me. Cause they never want to take the time to get to know me. "You wont understand The daily shit I got" Ok that last little bit is fucking lame as hell. But it works. This means that most of my family and friends won't understand the shit I go though. I can't talk to my mother cause most of my issues are with her. And she won't understand. All of my friends EXCEPT one seems to make me feel guilty that I think what I think and say what I say.

I can't talk to my family about the shit I have gone though with every one of my internet friends over the last year. Cause they wont understand. Plus they don't know that I talk to people on the internet. So ya.

The layout is black, cause I like black. The image in the banner and the background. Is of David Draiman, lead singer for Disturbed. My favorite band, and yes I have a crush on him. He's cute and I will fucking hit any one that says hes creepy. I bout slapped my mother a few times when she said it. The text on that is from I am sure the song Darkness. Which is one of theirs. And the name: Rantings of a Disturbed 0ne. Referrers to, this blog is where i can rant hence Rantings. Again my favorite band is Disturbed hence Disturbed 0ne.

So when you think about it. Nothing about my blog sounds emo. Its where I can rant about my crappy ass life. So it all fits together some how. My life is crap atm, mostly cause of my mother and SOME of my friends. I only got a few friends left that still talk to me. That still want to talk to me and don't think I am annoying. The poems: read above. They are talking from the heart. Go back up and read them again. The image is of David Draiman. Nothing emo there.

Youtube account suspended??

OK I sent them a message, haven't heard back. And its been 24 hours. Now come on it can't fucking take that fucking long. I posted in their forums and sent them a fucking email. How fucking long do I have to sit here and wait for a fucking response. I was trying to change my email address. And when I did the confirm email it popped up with a message saying my account was deleted. And when ever I go to my profile it says "This account is suspended." What happened. I didn't do any thing wrong. I had no copyright as far as I know. I never broke any of the rules. Well at least none that I knew of. I was just confirming my email. This happened to my friend when she first joined. She singed up for an account and when she went to confirm her email. It said she was suspended. And all both of us were doing was confirming out email. None of you would happen to know whats going on and how to get my account back? And if I do NEVER will I EVER do that EVER again ARGH So now none of my videos work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was a fucking fan video, why the fuck would MINE get deleted but all these other fucking tribute videos get to fucking stay up!!!!!!!!! THIS didnt happen till AFTER I DID THE CONFIRM EMAIL!!!! If I hadn't fucking done that my account would have been suspended and 1st of all they dont just fucking delete your account. THey fucking deleted the fucking video first. And if you have to many videos deleted they THEN delete your account. That happened with my old account.

And before you start talkin shit, read the 6 points I made below

1st off, Just want to make this clear, I wasn't stealing copy right. I put MY logo, because Goddess Creations is some thing I do in my free time. Its a FAKE PRETEND production company I made up in where I make Tribute videos for celebs, games, movies, ect... And make graphic designs, and remixes. I wasn't trying to steal copyright. The fans, members of youtube understand that these clips belong to the band, actor, singer, celeb w/e or they belong to the company that created them. Or that works for the person. I know that, every one else knows that.

2nd of all, READ MY WHOLE FUCKING BLOG. If it was the video they would give me a warning first. Youtube always and i mean ALWAYS gives you warnings first. But deleting your videos. And if you have to many AND THEN your fucking account gets deleted.

3rd of all READ THE WHOLE FUCKING BLOG. Damn, I said this ONLY FUCKING HAPPENED AFTER I CONFIRMED MY EMAIL. If I hadn't fucking confirmed it then the account would still be there.

4th off, I used to do this with my old account. I used to ALWAYS make tributes. But when I uploaded ACTUAL copyright, such as interviews, making ofs, ect... They were for my sites. They got deleted. And because too many of those were deleted. Yes, my account was then deleted.

5th off, my friends and every other god damn person on fucking youtube. Makes these kind of fucking tributes. And these have been up longer. Have had more views, more ratings, more comments then my tributes. Let me repeat Those other fucking videos have BEEN UP FOR LIKE A YEAR OR LONGER. But yet, (if that is the fucking reason my account went down), why the fucking hell are MY FUCKING VIDS gone but yet these other members of youtube get to keep their god damn vids? HUH Answer me that?

6th of all, Let me repeat it for the billion hundredth time. MY account only went down After I confirmed my email.

Now do me a favor and read those again, Specially the 1st and 5th ones. VERY CAREFULLY!

I did nothing wrong. This account wasn't deleted because of the fucking content on the account. It was deleted/suspended because of a glitch in there automated email confirmation system. This happened to a friend of mine when she joined. And she didnt even fucking have any thing set up yet. She was registering and confirmed her email. Hell when I tried to sign up for my new account after my old one got deleted. It happened to me to. Now what the fuck. Are we the only ones that this has happened to? That is a load of bull shit!

In pain

Current mood: Crappy

I don't quite know how it happened. But quite a few times when I got go pop my back. Cause popping it makes it feel better. I tend to pull a muscle in my mid-right part of my back. And its never really been that bad. But this time it hurt so bad I couldnt move. Taking a deep breath made me hurt really bad. I had to lay down, its kind of calmed down a bit. But it still tends to hurt when I breath in kind of deep. And the pain med don't seem to be helping any. Damn! :(

Happy Bday Sammie

My doggies bday is today. I am pretty sure he is about 7 now. He might be 6 I don't know I've lost count on how old my dogs are lol. We got him when he was only 6 weeks old. I don't remember what year we got him. But I am pretty sure we got him when I was 9 0r 10. And I am 17 now so you do the math. I am being lazy today lol. Hey its Sunday I am allowed to be lazy on Sunday. But ain't he just the cutest doggy ever? I've got two other doggies but their bdays dont come till next year. I didnt get the chance to post a happy bday entry for them. Sammie is half lab half German Shepperd. And he is a very calm sweet dog. The others are sweet too just not quite as calm as Sammie. My sister gave him the name Samuel L. Jackson. lol Cause we either call him Sam, Sammie, or Samuel. So my sister decided to give him that name. Don't ask me why she just did.

Haunted by Ghost

Current mood: Drained

I swear I think that our house is haunted. I have always felt this way since I was a little girl. Cause I've remembered seeing the guy that died in out house and I've heard and felt him. And I could never turn my back to the hall with out feeling as if some one was watching. Twice I've woke up when I was a kid and seeing a figure either standing at my door or right beside me. And both of which disappeared with in a minute of me spotting them. And I've heard loud banging before as a kid. And I thought I saw some one looking into my room. When I got up to check my mother and dad were still asleep. My sister of course, I am sure was at a friends house. I am not sure I am now thinking maybe it was her I saw? I've felt cold spots and as they've been explained. Its when a ghost is trying to manifest its self. And once I was walking though the house and I swear I felt as if some thing touched me. I've never actually seen him move any thing but things have moved in this house. Like the time that candle ended up in the bath room.

My mom and sister said they never touched it. Why would my dad need a candle in the bathroom. I never touched it why would I need it? I've seen shadowy figures, I've seen white figures. I've heard noises I've felt like some one touching me or watching me. There for quite a few years he hasn't been doing any thing. Like maybe he's moved on. And I don't know if this is because I have been watching ghost hunters. But I feel as if he is back. Or maybe this is a new one? I don't know but the last couple of nights I've felt as if he was in my room. Which is actually where he died. He was apparently a previous owner. Now I don't know how he died. And I am not sure I want to know. But I feel like hes back, maybe he never really left. Though I haven't seen him, I feel like hes here. I've never actually really heard any noises from him. But I've just got that feeling some one is watching even when I am alone. And this may just be because of the most resent episode of Ghost hunters. The Iron Island one, now those voices were some creepy shit. The last two nights I've had to sleep with my tv on just so I've got some light. I'll keep you guys updated if any thing new happens I'll tell ya.


~Peace out~

The Disturbed 0ne

More mother issues

Current mood: Drained, Headaches

Ok now I think that my mother is a tad bit of a hypocrite. She always tells me not to do something. Like tells me whats the right thing to do and what the wrong thing to do is. But yet she always turns around and dose the exact fucking thing. She is always yelling at me when I get mad at her for picking on me when I am not feeling good. But yet earlier I was joking around with her. I wasnt having an attitude and I wasnt yelling I was talking loud so that should could hear me. Cause even though she tries to deny it. She is fucking deaf. I was fucking joking with her and she thought that I was yelling and having an attitude with her. Its like ok you just fucking yell at me for having an attitude and getting mad when she joke around. But yet she dose the exact fucking thing when I joke around with her. Its like can you say hypocrite?

And another thing I wanted to fix me some thing to eat for lunch. But yet she said in kind of a rude way. Do you have to do that now? And I calmly said no even though I wanted to throw a fucking fit. And I calmly walked out of the room back into mine. But yet she then fixes my sister some thing to eat for lunch and I was like. Now that is not fair. I didnt say it to her but I wanted to. I was like you fix her some thing to eat but yet you wont let me get some thing to eat? Thats just bull shit....Oh wait I already talked about this didnt I? lol eh thats ok.

I wouldnt be surprised if I said I was bout to die of hunger wouldnt be surprised if she said I dont care. Shes done smiler things in the past. Like one time I dont even remember what it was that she said. But I told her she hurt my feelings. And this was when i was like 4 or 5. And she gose I dont care. Thats made me hurt worse that my mother didnt care about my feelings. And then another time she yelled at me. And I started to cry. And I was crying so hard I couldnt breath and my sister was trying to calm me down. And my sister told my mother that I couldnt breath. And my mothers exact words were I dont care.

I was just like shocked out of my fucking mind. I couldnt believe my mother said this to me. She probably dont even remember doing it. But I kind of resent her for it. I do love my mother but its just like she irritates the fucking hell out of me. And I just want to slap her up side her fucking head. I dont know what her fucking problem has been in the past 2 days but she is making me mad. She needs to get over what ever the fuck is wrong with her. Cause I dont think that I can take this any longer. Hopefully if I just avoid her as much as I possibly can. She will just leave me alone. Of course I have to go to the fucking store with her in the morning. I was wanting to watch my Ghost Hunters I taped. Shes shes not going to work any more. I dont get to watch my shows while she is at work any more. And I know that my mother dont like those kinds of scary shows. And i know that she isnt going to let me watch it while she is there. But she could always go into the other room and wait for it to be over. Cause I would really like to see it before SHE deletes it off of the Tivo.

Thats another thing that my mother dose that pisses the fucking hell out of me. When I want to tape some thing on the tivo she gose and either stops it from taping or she then deletes it later on after its been taped. OR she dont advance it so that I can watch it later. And when ever i have any thing Orlando Bloom related set to tape she will let me tape it. But when it comes to taping any thing that has to do with my favorite band Disturbed she stops it from taping. She wont let me tape it and I dont know why. She better get used to it now. I like them and there is nothing that she can do about it. I really wanted to see this headbangers ball or whatever it was that came on. But she stopped it from taping.

She has a problem with me liking Disturbed. And having a crush on the lead singer David Draiman. She things he is creepy. And she dont like the fact that they swear in the songs. Well mother i am fucking 17 years old. I think i am old enough to listen to songs that have swears in them. And her exact words where: Their to dark and domestic. But then when i let her read the song meanings she came to me and goes: Well their not as bad as I thought. No shit mother, really now isnt that what i have been telling you this whole fucking time? And she is going on about how this kind of music will effect me whether i know it or not. How it will make me depressed and violent. And I think in order for these kinds of songs to make you this way you have to be a violent person by nature. And I am a sweet down to earth calm girl by nature. The only time i get violent is when I am mad. But i never have and never will take my anger out on any one. I take my anger out on objects. Thats how i have bruised my hands up.

And I think that once you know the meanings behind the songs. And you know what they are really saying and no by what the lyrics say. Then it dont effect you in any kind of violent way. And I dont believe this fucking bull shit. People blaming music, video games and movies for their violent behavior. I believe you are already a violent person. Your just getting idea from video games and movies. I play tom clancy's rainbow six, black hawk down, call of duty and tomb raider. Which are games where you are killing humans and all sorts of animals. And I always listen to rock, metal, nu metal such as Disturbed. And none of which have made me any violent. I also watch a shit load of violent movies. And they dont make me wanna go out and kill people and be all violent. But what ever, my mother dont really know what shes talking about. lol

Well any ways my fucking fingers are hurting from typing so much. So I am gonna stop the post here. And I will blog some more later. Hopefully my next blog wont be about my mother. I hope to blog about a couple other things. Wanna get on the whole ex subject. Hopefully I can do that next time. Cause I would just really like to rant about it and get it off my chest. Hope you enjoyed my blog.

~Peace out

The Disturbed 0ne

GOD!! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS HER PROBLEM!?

Current mood: Aggravated (bout to blow)

AND ANOTHER THING, I WANTED TO FIX ME SOME LUNCH. AND FOR NOT FUCKING REASON SHE SAID SO FUCKING RUDELY "DO YOU HAVE TO DO THAT NOW?" I SO FUCKING WANTED TO SLAP THE EVER LOVING FUCKING SHIT OUT OF HER RIGHT THEN AND THERE. IT WAS JUST LIKE

ARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OH YEAH GUESS I WONT FUCKING BE EATTING LUNCH THEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I DONT GIVE A FUCKING RATS ASS WHAT HER FUCKING PROBLEM IS THE LAST TWO DAYS BUT SHE NEED TO GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND STOP FUCKING YELLING AT ME AS IF SHE IS THE FUCKING VICTIM I AM NOT EVEN DOING A FUCKING THING TO HER BUT YET SHE WANTS TO ACT LIKE I AM. AND SHE TREATS ME LIKE A FUCKING TWO YEAR OLD LIKE I DONT KNOW A FUCKING THING THAT I AM SAYING OR DOING. ITS LIKE I AM FUCKING 17 YEARS OLD HOW BOUT YOU START FUCKING TREATING ME LIKE A FUCKING 17 YEAR OLD INSTEAD OF A FUCKING 2 YEAR OLD. AND SHE FUCKING KNOWS SHE IS DOING IT CAUSE ONE TIME SHE SAID THAT SHE WILL STOP TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD WHEN I STOP ACTING LIKE ONE!

WHEN HAVE I EVER! ACTED LIKE A FUCKING CHILD? EXCEPT FOR WHEN I WAS AN ACTUAL CHILD!!!!!!!

GOD SHE JUST MAKES ME SO FUCKING ANGRY!!!!! AND THERE ISNT A DAMN THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. NOT TILL I MOVE OUT AND I SWEAR TO GOD WHEN I GET THE FUCKING CHANCE I WILL MOVE OUT. ILL MOVE FAR AWAY FROM HERE.

ARRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Current mood: Aggravated (bout to blow)

My mother is about to aggravate the living fucking shit out of me. I was feeding my nephew who is about 4 months. And she was FUCKING YELLING AT ME CAUSE I WASN'T HOLDING THE BOTTLE HIGH ENOUGH! WE ITS NOT LIKE HE WAS EVEN FUCKING EATTING IT ANY WAYS! HE WAS JUST FUCKING PLAYING WITH IT! AND SHE GRABS IT AND SHOVES IT UP TO HIS FUCKING NOISE! I WAS LIKE.....

Why me?

Current mood: Aggravated

I don't know what it is about me. I don't know why but its just like every time I ask for help no one wants to help me. Its just not fair, when ever I post in support forums. I get no responses.....Ok I take that back, I get a few but then after awhile when the person cant seem to help me figure out they give up. OR they only post once and don't post again. And the topic ends up dying and later I have to go back and either bump up the topic or post a new one. If it was any body else OH every one would jump to help that person. But when it comes down to me its like no one ever wants to help me. I don't understand why. And I don't exactly have the prove. But I have quite a few time posted some threads in support forums and they get no reply. Or they get maybe one or two. They get a fucking shit load of views but no replies.

BUT yet a little bit later I will see the exact same thread with the exact same problem I was having. But this one is posted by a different person. And every one is jumping in and replying trying to help this person out with their problem. Its like dude I just fucking posted this exact same fucking problem not to long ago but you fucking jack asses wouldn't even fucking bother to stop being so fucking lazy and fucking help me. I mean I don't actually say this to them but I want to. Cause I know that if I said it of course I will be banned and I wouldn't want that now would I. But it just pisses me off. And I just posted some help on a forum about my logo. And on a forum about a problem I was having with windows movie maker. And it was like no one was wanting to help me. And I was describing every thing that was going wrong. But I also said that I did this or I did that. Like with the movie maker problem. Ok first the problem is that the video saves but it wont play. Then it gives me a message saying it cant be saved cause you dont have enough disk space. Or that the clips in the video have either been moved or modified. And I just fucking said that no of those were true.

I haven't moved the videos nor have I modified them in any way. And I had the disk space on my computer to save. And I had the space in the folder to save. So there was no real reason for this error to be showing up. But the idiot said "Make sure the videos haven't been moved or modified. And make sure you have the space." DUDE I JUST FUCKING SAID THAT I DIDNT MOVE THEM NOR DID I MODIFY THEN AND I DID FUCKING HAVE THE SPACE TO SAVE IT. YOU JUST DONT FUCKING PAY A BIT OF FUCKING ADDITION. NO BODY EVER PAYS A BIT OF FUCKING ADDITION WHEN I SAY THINGS. And I am so fucking pissed off. No I am so far past pissed off I am lapping it for the 2nd time. Right now I am listening to Disturbed to try and keep myself calm. I don't want to hurt myself again. And that is also the reason why I am blogging this. Cause talking about it whether it is with some one or in a blog it still makes me feel better. And listening to Disturbed always helps me stay calm. I don't know what it is about their music. They always say that this kind of music is supposed to make you angry and/or violent. But with me it actually calms me. For me a lot of the time things that should effect me in a certain way effect me in the opposite way.

Like things that should make me angry. Don't, but that don't go for all things. Things that should make me angry such as my CD skipping makes me angry. Things that should offend me don't. Things that should make me cry don't. Things that shouldnt make me cry..........well don't lol. Anyways you get my point don't you. So I am gonna listen to Disturbed till I feel as calm as I can possibly get. Then I should probably go to bed. That is if the guys at the damn support forums haven't answered me. I want to try and get this fixed tonight. Cause there is a video I made that I would like to save and I can't seem to save it. And it is pissing the fucking hell out of me. But I am trying to stay calm. Don't want to hurt myself like last time. Anyways think I have made this post long enough. Hope you guys enjoyed my little rant.

~Peace Out

The Disturbed 0ne

My stupidity

Current mood: Depressed

I don't really know why I did it. But I got mad cause I was just irritated. And I slammed my fist in to something. Its not important what it was. I hit it so hard I didnt break it but I bruised it pretty bad. Its all purple now and its swollen. I've even got a small cut on it. And it hurts like a son of a bitch. lol Never again will I ever do any thing stupid like that again. I don't know why I did it. I was having fun and then I had to go and hurt my self. Thats what pisses the hell out of me. Its like I am not entitled to have fun. Cause its like every time I try I get hurt. Or just some thing happens and my fun is just ruined. What the hell is it about me that I cant even have some simple fun with out getting hurt? I don't know what the hell I did. ARGH!! Whatever.

~Peace out~

Disturbed Goddess
aka
David's Goddess