Damn him!

I know that its been a while since i have posted any thing. Mostly cause nothing interesting has happened to me. Nothing really good worth talking about other then my sisters wedding. I think I have already told you guys about that. Nothing bad has happened to me either which is a good thing. But the past week has been really sucky. My mother has been yelling at me alot just for the heck of it. She just fucking yelled to just yell. I don't remember now half of the stuff she did to me. I just kind of for got. Its not really that important.

I heard from my ex again. Well I don't know if he was ever really my boyfriend so I don't know how he would be my ex. But whatever, He apparently joined some website called tagged. And he sent me an invite. Three months since I had last seen him and he all of a sudden appears out of no where. What the fucking hell is wrong with this guy? I mean...I....I...omg I just dont really know what to say. When I saw the email, all i saw was his name. i didnt know that it was an invite to a website. but when I saw the name I was just like...OMG! Am i seeing what i think I am seeing? Is that really who I think it is?

Why the fucking hell is he contacting me after so long? I mean whather its an invite or a personal email he still contacted me. Well I joined the site just in hopes that i could get in contact with him finally and ask him what the fucking hell is his problem. Do i still have feelings for this guy? Well yes but you have to understand the reason why i still do. I mean i have had a lot of crushes before. But most of those crushes were on celeb's. So this feeling that i had for Rocky was completly different from those crushes that i had. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. I wouldnt exactly call it love as i had never actually felt love like this before.

And since we were not together that long I would really call it love. But what ever you want to call it. It wasnt a crush it was more then that. Some thing that I had never felt for a guy before. I have never in my entire life felt this way about a guy. Nor have i ever had a guy like me back in that way. They all just though of me as a friend and nothing more then that. He was the first guy that I ever liked. So yea i still have some feelings for him. But the real question is: Will I ever take him back? No I will not. I always told my self that if he had a good enough excuse. Then maybe just maybe I might think about taking him back so long as he promises never to act like taht ever again.

But since he went away for two months came back and said he was out of town. And had the nerve to be all sweet to me and call me hunny. And act like he didnt do any thign wrong when he damn well knows that he did. It just fucking pissed me off. Oddly enough I didnt know this guy very long. But seeing as he was the first guy that i ever liked i spent so many nights just hurting over him. Crying over him, and I dont even fucking know why. It just hurt the way that he actted towards me. And eventually i became numb to it and was just like what ever there is nothign this guy can do that will make me feel that way agian.

When he went away for three months i wasnt surpised. I knew that it was gonna happen. I didnt know when but I knew that it was going to happen. And i just had this gut feeling that I would see him agian. But then of course he would go away again. Well i havent seen him since that email inviting me to the website. I am still waiting but I am not holding my breath. Cause I know that he may not show up. And I wont see him again for a while. And if he dose show up he is just gonna go away again like he always dose.

There isnt any thing that this guy can do to me that will hurt me. I am already numbed to it. The reason I cant let it go is yes I do still like him. And I just want to know that if he liked me then why did he do what he did and not tell me any thing. Maybe if I get my answer I can finally move on. I don't know but I can tell you that I will not I refused to get sucked back into what ever the fucking game he is trying to play. I have been hurt to many times by him and I will not let it happen again.

I just want to finally move on. Will this help me move on? I dont know that is what I am trying to find out. I just hope that with in time my wounds will finally heal. And I will find a guy that is better for me and that wont treat me the way he did. And i kind of hope that it is some time soon. Any ways I have rambled long enough and my fingers are starting to hurt I guess I will end the entry here.

~Peace out